The Struggle
Kyle is a 18 handicap. He’s never broken 80 before, but today’s the day. He’s having a career round at 6 over through 15 holes. Shots are going where he wants, chips are getting close, and putts are falling. Everything is going smooth.
But this round isn’t just one round of golf. It’s the most recent round in a long line of close calls. He’s shot in the low 80s dozens of times, but every time he’s gotten close the bogeys start coming. He always blows it at the end.
So needless to say, at 6 over through 15 holes, his mind is racing back to all those close calls. All those times he let another opportunity slip through his fingers. Thoughts like “don’t blow it like you always do” and “you’re going to find a way to start spraying it” and “when’s it all going to come crashing down?”
While we know sitting here looking at our email that these thoughts aren’t helpful, when you’re in the heat of battle these thoughts pop in seemingly totally at random.
But they aren’t random thoughts. Thoughts are a sign that points toward your beliefs. Thoughts are the symptom of what you deep down believe about yourself.
So when Kyle thinks “don’t blow it like you always do” or “when’s it all going to come crashing down?”, he has agreed to believe that nothing good ever happens at the end of a good round, and he’s the reason that happens. He’s made this bad outcome seem permanent, pervasive, and personal.
It’s permanent in Kyle’s mind because he believes it will always happen.
It’s pervasive because he believes that everything goes sideways at the end of a good round.
And it’s personal because he believes that he is the sole reason why he can’t break 80.
Now yes, these are all true to some degree. He has indeed never broken 80. So up to this point it has been permanent. And a lot of parts of his game do start breaking down under the pressure, so up to this point is has felt pretty pervasive. And who else could be to blame for never breaking than himself, so up to this point it’s felt pretty darn personal.
But the thing is, Kyle doesn’t have to believe the things he does. The beliefs that lead to those thoughts, which lead to anxiety and tension, don’t have to be agreed with.
As Martin Seligman says in Learned Optimism,
“Our reflexive explanations are usually not based on reality. They are bad habits that emerge from the mists of the past, from ancient conflicts, from parental strictures, from an influential teacher’s unquestioned criticisms, from a lover’s jealousy. But because they seem to issue from ourselves—could there be a source of higher credibility?—we treat them like royalty. We let them run our lives without even shouting back.”¹
Kyle’s thoughts are “reflexive explanations” to adversity he’s encountering. But however true they might feel in that moment, they aren’t helpful and they don’t need to be there.
So we need a way to change this.
The Solution
How do we change our thoughts? We can’t change reality, and we can’t change the past, but we can change how we explain the reality of the past.
Again from Learned Optimism,
“Much of the skill of dealing with setbacks, of getting over the wall, consists of learning how to dispute your own first thoughts in reaction to a setback… To learn how to dispute your automatic thoughts, you first have to learn to listen to your own internal dialogue…”
If Kyle were to pretend that the things he was saying to himself were actually his playing partner heckling him to try to make him blow up, how would he respond? He’d probably tell that playing partner to get out of here and just let him play. Yet when Kyle has the thoughts, he fully agrees with them.
So let’s break one of Kyle’s thoughts down and see a more helpful way for him to respond:
“Don’t blow it like you always do.”
- After noticing himself saying this, Kyle might say, “Ok sure, I have indeed never shot below an 80. I can’t change that fact. But I don’t always blow it. Golf is hard, and sometimes I struggle at the end. But “blowing it” is way too harsh of a way to put it. And I don’t always blow it. I remember a round where I was really close to breaking 80 and I ended the last three holes in 1 under. I didn’t break 80 that day, but I definitely didn’t blow it under pressure. And I can’t count how many times I’ve had boring finishes to close call rounds. And I am not the only thing that controls how a round of golf goes. Golf has so many variables that need to line up to hit a single show well, let alone an entire round.”
- Crucially, Kyle isn’t ignoring the facts. He acknowledges his past and he isn’t ‘faking it til he makes it’ with empty positivity. But what Kyle is doing is providing himself with evidence that blowing it is an unfair way to describe how he plays. And he’s providing evidence that it hasn’t happened every time. And he’s reminding himself that golf is hard and a lot of it is out of his control, so he can give himself a break.
What would this probably do for Kyle? It would probably take a lot of pressure off his shoulders, and it would allow him to let go of the past and be more present. And he’d have a lot more confidence because he knows he can play well at the end. Maybe this will be the day where the variables line up.
One thing for you to work on this week:
Start externalizing the thoughts you have. Catch the thoughts, and then pretend it was someone else saying it to you. Respond to that imaginary person in a way that provides helpful evidence.
To-do: Catch your unhelpful thoughts, pretend they were someone else saying them, and respond with evidence.